Samsung Set to open New Taxi-Barf Cleaning Centers
Samsung, desperate to explore virgin territory in an economy already crowded by so many businesses, most of them its own affiliates, unveiled yesterday their newest plan to expand their ever-growing empire. "Barf-Up Clean-Up!!" will be the name for the new chain of taxi-cleaning service centers, to be located at major intersections scattered around the country.

A company spokesperson explained the rationale behind the new venture. "According to our market research, the average taxi driver has to deal with about 2.7 episodes of customer barf every month. That's like 30 times a year. Multiply that by 30,000 taxi drivers and we are talking tons of barf that needs to be cleaned."
In terms of pricing, the company said prices will be on a sliding scale with the lowest prices charged for anorexic/soju-teenage-girl barf to the higest price salary-man- on his 5th pitcher of beer-at a sausage restaurant-barf

If the concept is successful in Korea, the company, not surprisingly, plans to take "Barf Up-Clean Up!!" international. "We'll start with Japan, the Japanese barf in taxis almost as much as we do," added the spokesperson.

Korea Set To Become Hub of the Korean Peninsula

The Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs announced an ambitious economic development plan yesterday. At a press conference, the Ministry spokesperson announced that, by the year 2010, Korea intends on claiming the title "Hub Of the Korean Peninsula". In order to pursue this ambitious-sounding goal, the Korean government plans to implement a five-year plan of action.

In order to become the hub of the peninsula, Korea will have to work relentlessly hard with the utmost discipline and perserverance, the Ministry said. Among the goals set forth in the plan are the expansion of the number of Korean restaurants, attempting to cover every surface of every building in Hangul, and making sure that every citizen has undergone at least one plastic surgery operation. If these and other goals are achieved, the Ministry claims, "that Korea will be the undisputed, undeniable dynamic hub of the peninsula."

UNESCO Names Itaewon World Heritage Site


Labeling Itaewon,"one of the world's freakiest hoods," Kofi Annan announced at a press conference that Itaewon had been aded to the list of World Heritage Sites. A UNESCO spokeswomen added,"we felt that Itaewon's unique blend of crass Korean commercialism, American Army horniesm, and Canadian expat alcoholism must be preserved for future generations."

One key provision of the designation stipulates that any sidewalk merchant or local juicy girl can get funds to make sure that they maintain their business premises at their current dilipadated state. They will also be given a lifetime supply of duct tape, plastic strings and styrofoam in order to make authentic repairs. "We are interested in maintaining the authentic sleaze that has recently been so threatened by upscale restaurants and chainstores," UNESCO added.

President Noh Loves America

It has been reported that contrary to what young anti-American Koreans may think, President No Moo-Hyun is actually secretly obsessed with almost all forms of American culture.

He reportedly wakes up every morning to an alarm clock that plays strictly Motown classics, and then proceeds to use only P&G products in the bathroom. For breakfast he favors Minute Maid orange juice, Froot Loops, and Bisquick pancakes slathered with Aunt Jemimah syrup.

During exercise time, he dons spandex and spends one hour every morning 'sweating to the oldies' with Richard Simmons. He consumes either McDonald's meal deals or KFC's 5-piece special for lunch and then watches JudgeJudy.

He puportedly loves macaroni and cheese for dinner, and often spends his evening sitting in front of the TV, right hand tucked under his belt, left hand clutching a Miller Lite,
yelling at CNN anchors in Korean. Some reports claim that he has narrowed down his retirement plans to either South Carolina or New Mexico.

Phillipines Claims Paekche Was Theirs


In a stunning development in the contentious history of the history of historical confusion among East Asian nations, the Phillipines announced Thursday that the ancient kingdom of Paekche located in the southwest of the Korean Peninsula was actually Filipino.

"The evidence proves beyond a doubt that the kingdom of Paekche was actually very mellow, content and non-materialistic," the Filipino Minister for Culture, Pedrocito Palacaplaga Pedrozo Palimantan Aquicitino claimed. "Furthermore, the fact that they both begin with the letter P proves the probability of our proposition'" the minister claimed.

The reaction in South Korea was both swift and irrational. Students at Kwangju University burned over 10,000 filipino flags vowing that they will never ever touch mangoes ever again. North Korea tried to cut non-existant flights and commercial realtions with the Phillipines.

Scot Sees Gold in Itaewon.....
from our Wales correspondant...

Alistar McAlistar, originally from Dundee, Scotland, made a #1 million deal with an unknown Seoul businessman for patent rights on the 3-Washing-Machine-Motor-Bike. “It has so much promise," McAlister reported to the Yangpa. "I mean imagine the time that can be saved by delivering as many as 3 washing machines on the back of a single moped? Logistically, it’s perfect. So much can be saved on transportation costs. I was shocked when I first saw it. A moped sped past me up a very steep hill. At first I couldn’t believe it. The driver actually had stacked as many as 3 washing machines to the back of his small moped. I swear it wasn't the whiskey!!! Really...he had 3 machines perched atop his little moped"

The invention that has McAlistar throwing so much money about consists of a rubber sling, 2 iron bars and a few paper clips that attach the box like contraption to the back of a moped.

The million pound deal was reported to have taken place in one of the bars on Itaewon’s main stretch where expatriates congregate on Saturday nights. The bar is reportedly owned and run by an expatriate American with an Elvis hairdo and his Korean wife.

Petra Fulani Jacobsen Lands a Hagwon job


Petra Fulani Jacobsen a Zulu-Russian-Jewish New Zealander landed her first Hagwon job at a small school in the port city of Incheon. Petra, a native of a small Zulu village in the republic of Swaziland, has never spoken or studied English.

Her father, who was a Russian-Jewish mystic in the 60's and 70's, met her mother at a Zulu music festival in Swaziland in 1975. They got married shortly thereafter and raised their precious daughter in a strictly Hebrew-Zulu speaking environment. Eventually, Petra learned a smattering of Russian, Xhosa, and Afrikaans.

Five years ago, the family was awarded New Zealand citizenship due to their, as Prime Minister Helen Clark said, "exceptional committement to cultural diversity and hipsterhood". Petra, armed with her Kiwi papers figured she might as well finally learn English while getting paid to teach it. She starts work next month.

Kim Chi can Cure Everything, Agency Claims


The Korean National Health Agency issued a press release saying that kim chi consumption has been proven to cure just about any adverse condition, from hangnails to inoperable brain cancer.

The memo states that, "the ancient and powerful Korean ethnic food staple is possibly the greatest thing that has ever happened to mankind, for it can cure all adverse health conditions....and it is very tasty too." Some reporters attending the press conference were unsure if they had inadvertently attended a North korean press conference, but they were wrong.

Apparently kim chi has been proven by traditional Korean doctors to be efficacious in the treatment of insomnia, urinary tract infections, cancer, heart disease, bad-hair days, the common cold, hangnails, sore backs, Lou Gherig's disease, diabetes, impotence, acne, split ends, sunburn, arthritis, flatulence, and just about any other condition you can think of.

Korean Government Decides on New ESL Law

The Korean Government passed a new law regarding the ESL industry in Korea last Thursday. Asked what the law would entail, Rep Lee Un-Soo said, "well, I'm not sure, I think it has something to do with visa certification and taxes. However, I am sure that it will be very effective in improving the ESL industry in Korea and helping Korea to become a more transparent, modern and developed nation."

An immigration official at Omokkyo offered the following statement. "I heard about something. I'm not sure what it means though. Maybe it has to do with proper forms or something."

A local ESL industry professional (Hagwon owner) offered a more nebulous interpretation of the new law; "I think they might have changed a rule related to contracts....but I'm not exactly sure what this will all mean."

Local Man Throws away Soju bottle

Mr. Kang, a 62 year-old retired civil servant threw away a soju bottle last. Wednesday. The bottle, about one-third full had been sitting on a bench in a local park frequented by Kang for nearly two weeks.

"I come to this park almost daily and I usually take a break on this bench" Kang offered, "and a few weeks ago I saw the bottle sitting there."

At first Mr. Kang thought some ajeossi might return to finish the bottle, but a few days later, Mr. Kang started to doubt that it would ever be finished. "Finally, I thought... to the heck with it, I'll just throw it out."

Mr. Kim Attends Wrong Protest


Kim Min-soo, a 42 year-old employee of the Daewoo autoworkers union attended the wrong protest last Saturday. He was supposed to meet a group of fellow autoworkers at 11 am in front of Seoul Station but mistakenly he got off at Yongsan Station. He saw a group protestors chanting union slogans and he jumped right in.

"At first I thought I was at the right protest", Kim said. "They were chanting slogans against management and unfair contracts. They were the same slogans we used. How was I supposed to know it was actually a union for nightclub bouncers?" Mr. Kim finally realized he was at the wrong protest when a group of juicy girls got up on stage and danced for the crowd.

"We never have girls on stage at our protests, just a lot of middle-aged men pumping their fists in the air and screaming until they are hoarse" he said.

Hagwon Instructor Switches to Pig Latin for Entire class
Melanie McMelanie, a teacher at a Bundang kindergarten snapped the other day during her 7th 55 minute class with 10 spoiled 5 year-olds. The details are still unclear at this point, but apparently, Melanie, having survived a vicious hangover during the first 6 classes, thought she was cruising and would soon be back on the subway to Itaewon. But then she lost it.

"I think it might have been little Dong Suk making googly eyes at me and cackling like a hyena" she said. Apparently, the overworked and underpaid Newfie backpacker cracked, and according to her own words, "all of a sudden a stream of Pig Latin came out of my mouth like soju barf in Chongno. 'OngDay UkSay uckfay ouyay!', I screamed. 'Itsay ownday and utshay ouryay outhsmay!!!!' After that I couldn't stop. It was goofy and effective."

Ms. McMelanie was startled not only by her porcine tongue fluency, but by the effects it had on the kids. Having told five-year old Dong Suk and other kids off in angry Pig Latin, Melanie feels she has hit on something useful for other ESL instructors. "If you are really at wits end, totally ready to say 'fuck all'....give the lil'uns some major ass bacon talk baby," said Melanie, after her third Long Island Ice Tea. Asked if she will employ the same method in future situations, Melanie managed to mumble, "aybemay....robablypay,"

Uni ESL Teacher heading for Thailand, for the 17th time

Bruce Travis, an American teaching English at a university in Cheonan, South Korea, has decided to travel to Thailand for the 17th time. This represents 85% of his ridiculously long vacation time of the past 10 years will be spent eating curries, sweating, and generally getting his groove on. One night in Bangkok, it is not.

"I don't know, I just feel so comfortable there," said Mr. Travis, originally from the frigid wasteland of northern Michigan. "It's just so tropical, and there is so much fruit to choose from compared to Korea."