Korea to be renamed Coreapia

The Republic of Korea announced its choice for a new English name Friday. The change in name was prompted by the fact that Korea, spelled with a K, fell after Japan in alphabetical order. A bill was introduced to the legislature last year to change the English spelling of the nation to Corea. However, several lawmakers felt that Corea did not capture the true spirit of the world's most wired country and that an entirely new name should be adopted.

Park Su-Jin, a four-year old star student at Kangnam's Goldenpia Kidpia Genuispia Acadapia had the idea that the country should be called Coreapia. The fact that her father is a congressmen from the governing Uri Party had nothing to do with the decision, officials declared.

Hair Gel Shortage Leads to Hoarding


The recent shortage of hair gel in South Korea has led to widespread reports of hoarding among consumers and local beauty products distributors. The shortage is reportedly being caused by the popularity of Korean male hairstyles in China. Throughout the peninsula, young men are trying to find ways to cope.

Baseball hats are becoming increasingly popular in Cholla, the worst-affected region. Around Busan, many young men are getting buzz cuts. In Seoul, numerous courier services have popped up that will distribute contraband hair gel obtained via overseas excursions.

Hyundai To Buy North Korea

Hyundai announced an ambitious expansionary effort yesterday. It has signed a contract with the Kim Jong-Il regime to purchase North Korea. Under the deal, all North Korean citizens will become employees of one of 1,415 Hyundai units, to be organized under a separate holding company, Hyundai North. Kim Jong-Il will become the "Dear Leader" of the Holding Company, which will have several luxurious corporate offices in such places as Geneva, the Cayman Isles, and Monaco.

The North Korean regime issued the following statement. "We are proud to join with our blood brothers at Hyundai and we will strive to build a corporate worker's paradise based on the ideals of self-sufficient corporate monopolistic enterprise. We will smash all of our competitors in the marketplace and with our blood and sweat will lead Hyundai North into an era of everlasting glorious profit-generating supreme wealth-creation under the steadfast leadership of our esteemed corporate visionary Kim Jong-Il who has written a business curriculum that those at Harvard Business School would die to get their hands on."

Local Church Switches to Purple Neon Cross


In a bid to expand his church, Reverend Lee Jil-Pyo, has ordered what is believed to be the first purple neon cross in South Korea. In his city of Mokpo, hundreds of red neon crosses punctuate the night landscape. Recently, a new fancy church opened with a white neon sign. This gave Rev. Lee an idea.

"I thought, why not a whole different color. I thought about blue, and then green, but then I was at a mokyoktang, and I saw this beautiful purple bucket. That's when I knew my cross would be purple." In addition, the cross will have the ability to shoot sparklers out of the top while spinning at one of five different speeds. The Reverend is sure this will help increase his flock.

Building Under Construction is also being Torn Down


A new 10-story block long commercial building going up in Sillim-Dong Seoul is simultaneously being torn down. The builing which lies on an east-west thouroughfare is being constructed by Daewoo Construction. It is being torn down by Hyundai Construction. Daewoo started on the eastern half of the building and are finishing up the western end of the building.

However, the building site was purchased by rival Hyundai which began demolishing the aforementioned eastern side of the building. Hyundai plans to construct a 10 story commercial building on the site. Daewoo officials hinted that they may repurchase the site and rereredevelop it.

Korea Evolving into Proto-Scottish Nation


Anthropologists at Seoul National University have released findings from a study that shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that Korea is rapidly evolving into a Scottish land. The widespread addiction to golf, the excessive wearing of plaid, the consumption of whiskey and the fact that the only book most Korean kids have ever read has Harry Potter's name somewhere in the title point to the ever-increasing Celtic nature of the locals.

Researchers predicted that in coming years, haggis restaurants will begin to pop up in alleys throughout Korean cities and curling will become as popular as Noraebangs (singing rooms). Soon we may see people changing their family names to McKim and McPark.

Four Year-Old Confused by Blonde Koreans

Pak Eun-Jung, a four-year-old from northern Seoul, is terribly confused by the large numbers of Koreans with dyed blonde and light brown hair. Like most little Koreans, Eun-Jung takes pleasure in pointing out all of the foreigners she encounters. Everytime she sees one, she screams, "way-guk-in-da!!" (Foreigner in Korean)

However, lately she's been screaming "Foreigner!!" to countless blonde and light brown haired Koreans. Her mother, at first found it amusing, but now she is increasingly embarassed by her daughter's racial confusion. She explained to Eun-Jung that they are Koreans with different hair colors. Eun-Jung still doesn't understand this concept and insists that bleach blonde Koreans are "foreigners".

Cleaning Lady Arrested for Excessive Voyeurism


A 57 year-old bathroom cleaning ajumma, Ms. Choi Sun-Hee, was arrested yesterday for what police described as "excessive voyeurism". Ms. Choi, a 10-year-employee working at Samsung's corporate offices, was known among male employees as the "cackling castrator". She earned her name for her tendency to lean on her mop at the end of bathroom urinals and laughng loudly at the urinators.

"To be honest, I'm glad they finally fired her," said Kim Dae-Sik, a 35 year-old Samsung employee. "It seemed like at least once a week, she'd be laughing at me while I relieved myself. It made me feel inadequate as a man." Mrs. Choi refused to comment to reporters.

Peninsula Protest-Free for almost 20 minutes


In a blow to the recently annoounced protest tourism initiative, the Korea National Police Agency reported today that last night (early AM) from 3:11-3:28 AM, there were no reported protests being conducted in The Republic of Korea. This would mark the first time since a 7-minute protest hiatus occurred in late November, 1994.

A police spokesperson said the break in protests caught police totally off guard. They had their usual 15,000 riot police scattered around metro Seoul, with rumors that a PC Bang Owners Union was planning to call a surprise early morning strike in Yongsan. However, the strike turned out to be an internet rumor.

"Protest Tourism" Promotion Unveiled

The KNTO, Korean National Tourist Organization announced an innovative new tourism development initiative on Tuesday. The new program, tentatively named "Dynamic Demos Korea!!!" invites tourists to participate in a wide selection of real life Korean protests. The agency issued the following statement,

"In an incresingly competitive international tourist market, we feel Korea must distinguish itself by playing to its core competencies, its international trademark, huge fist-pumping shouting demonstrations."

Every Monday, tourists will be able to peruse a list of that week's 300 or so demonstrations. After choosing one, a taxi will pick them up at their hotel, and will take them to the protest. They will also be given a red-vest, a bandana, and a page of lyrics so that they can join in the festivities. Protest leaders have agreed to invite the tourist protesters onstage, where they will be encouraged to scream as loudly as they can. Following the protest, they will join fellow protesters for some sidewalk soju and kimbap.

28 year-old Receives Record 5th Hymen-Reconstruction


Kim "Jane-Doe", a 28 year-old heiress of one of Korea's leading chaebol families, reportedly underwent her fifth hymen-reconstruction last night at an exclusive and secretive plastic surgery clinic on the resort island of Jeju. If true, this would be a world record.

Ms. Kim underwent the surgery in order to re-virginize herself in order to get married again, as a virgin. The surgeon, speaking anonymously, reportedly said that, "I'm not sure why she cares. Our hymen-business is terribly down on the heyday of the 1990's, when I recreated over 50 virgins every day. Now I'm lucky if I stitch up even 3 or 4. I'm studying liposuction these days," he added.

Noh Government Announces De-Kimming Plan

Following the government's recently announced plans to relocate over 100 government ministries, a new plan to diversify the nation's surnames was announced Wednesday. A Blue House spokesperson stated that the plan was designed, "In order to diversify our country. We need more names."

The government will notify all Kims and Lees what their new names will be via e-mail, following a complicated computer-generated lottery system. 10 new family names have been approved so far; Einstein, Harvard, Diamond, Chairman, Hilton, Stanford, Oxford, King, Genius, and Edison.

Confucianism Declared Officially Dead


A ragged bunch of scantilly clad, multi-pierced, angry young aimless Koreans announced at an impomptu press conference in front of a tattoo parlor in Sinchon that Confucianism is officially dead in Korea.

The spokesperson, a Harley-riding Korean transvestite with a bleach-blong mohawk offered a brief statement to the crowd of 13 people. "Confucianism is so 90's". This brought spontaneous cheers and street dancing to the young'uns. "Oh, and America sucks too," he/she offered as he/she sped away on the Harley, a Marlboro dangling from his/her lipsticked and pierced mouth.

Uri Party To Merge with Uri Restaurants


The governing Uri Party (Our Party) announced Tuesday a plan to merge with the over 500 Uri Sikdangs (Restaurants) scattered around the nation. The party spokesman said the move was an attempt to broaden its base and increase its appeal among Korean Diners.

Other talks are proceeding with Uri Bank, the 415 Uri Dry Cleaners, the 329 Uri MiniMarts, several Uri Kimpabs, a couple dozen Uri Supermarkets, and two Uri Dalon Chu Chums (whorehouses).

Mokcheon Ajumma Shunned for Straight Hair


Kang Eun-Young, a 54 year-old vegetable saleeslady in a small town outside of Cheonan is being totally shunned by other ajummas in her area. The reason for the ostrcism, Ms. Kang refuses to get a perm.

"Frankly, I think getting a perm makes no sense. It costs money and I think they look ridiculous," Kang said to reporters. Meanwhile, one of the leading shunners, a Ms. Kim, 64, stated,"Who does she think she is? Some juicy girl?." The women agree on one thing though, as they both wore humongous visors.

90% of newborn babies in Korea are now American


In a shocking deemographic development, the Korean government announced that over 90% of Korean babies born in the last 6 months are legally American. The tens of thousands of lil' Kims were mostly born in a newly developed hospital next to Los Angeles International Airport. The hospital opened less than 48 hours after it was bought by a group of Korean investors. It had previously been a fleabag motel.

The mothers fly in a 9 AM, take a 5-minute cab ride to the Mi-Guk Baby Birthtopia Hospital and less than an hour later, they have undergone c-sections and are the proud mothers of American draft dodgers. Over 1000 newly minted Americans are delivered everyday at the ex-Sunset Dream Motel.

Kangnam Teen Hates her Summer Job


A local teenager, Lee Mi-Jung, 18, just can't stand her new "arbeit" job at Kim's Club. At first she was excited to be an in-store salesgirl, one of hundreds employed by the store urging customers to try a new product or taste some food. However, when she discovered that she was to be posted at the end of the toilet paper aisle, in the back corner of the store, she grew quite upset.

"Sometimes not one customer walks by for like 5 minutes, I start to doze off holding the paper against my cheek. I was really hoping for a cosmetic or snack aisle, heck I wouldn't even mind one of the meat prep stations, but toilet paper!? Yuck." Ms. Lee asked management to be transferred to another station, but her boss wiped aside the request.

Ajeossis/Harabeojis Riot in Tapkol Park

A group of middle-aged and elderly Koreans (Ajeossis and harabeojis) rioted in Tapkol Park Wednesday afternoon. The riot was sparked by a merchant selling fake viagra pills at inflated prices. Mr. Park, a 70 year-old retired bus driver was the first to buy the pills at 10 AM. He quickly tried one and headed to a whorehouse to enjoy his afternoon. However, instead of edifying his manhood, the fake viagra pills only gave him a vicious case of gas.

Mr. Park returned to the vendor a few hours later, demanding his money back. The vendor refused and Mr Park began screaming to the throngs of un-turgid fellows that the pills were fake. The situation quickly devolved into a riot where a throbbing group of angry older dudes erected a stiff barricade, and stood straight up to demand their hard-earned cash.

President Hospitalized for Hair Dye Irritation


President No Moo-Hyun was hospitalized early this morning as a result of excessive use of hair dye, according to anonymous sources. An unnamed cleaning lady, "Mrs. Kim", reportedly had been complaining to her neighbors about the incessant need to bleach the President's pillow cases. One neighbor of "Mrs. Kim" said, "alomost every day, she would kvetch about the black stains on sheets and pillow cases. I guess it's understanable if you are the President to look good, but why can't he do it properly. I dye my perma every week. My pillowcases are as white as snow. Sheesh"

Doctors at Yonsei Hospital refused to comment about the President's condition. Supporters of the president vehemently denied that he had ever dyed his hair. "It is a slanderous lie of those opponents of the Uri-Dang trying to derail the successes of our beloved brunette."

Ajumma Rugby League Formed

A new rugby league, consisting entirely of 50 to 65 year-old Korean ajummas, tentatively named Scrumajummas, was recently established in South Korea. A total of 8 teams of seriously pissed off ajummas will compete for the league title and trophy, which will be called The Golden Subway Seat.

The participating teams will be the Seoul Shovers, the Daegu Door-Killers, the Busan Bus-Bangers, the Gwangju GateCrashers, the Jeju Jawboners, the Incheon Insomniacs, the Daegu Dynamite and the Bucheon Bitches. Tickets will cost about 4000 won, depending on the ajumma selling them.