Uni Instructor "Overwhelmed" by Starbucks Options


An unnamed 32-year-old Australian uni instructor has lately been overcome by the number of Starbucks options latlely in Seoul. She has taught in the Sinchon area of Seoul for nearly ten years and was the first in line at the Ehwa Starbucks 'grand open' years ago. She grew accustomed to her local Starbucks until she was drawn to other outlets.

Eventually she succumbed and went to the now-shuttered Myeong-Dong branch and secretly reveled in riding an elevator in a Starbucks. Then she, in her own words, got addicted to seeking out new pristine Starbucks. So far she's been to "severel dozen" and feels she has developed a bit of a compulsive behavior. She speaks wistfully of the "old days" when she had a monogamous relationship with her very own Starbucks, before she started 'slurping around'.

Genticists Identify "Troll Gene"


Genetic researchers at SNU announced yesterday that they had discovered a gene that is common among the Korean population. Roughly 25% of Koreans carry this gene, tentatively named S.U.B. (Shrek Under Bridge). Those who have the gene feel an inexplicable need to remain in shade, preferable shade generated by large concrete or rock structures.

Vestiges of this behavior can be seen in the huge number of Koreans who enjoy gathering under bridges throughout the warmer months. Interestingly, some researchers have pointed out that these "Bridge Sitters" seem to remain under the bridges even after the sun has set. One scientist hypothesized that that was largely due to the sedentary effects of a daylong soju party.

Local Man Forgets to Praise Foreigner's Chopstick Skills

Mr. Lee Kil-Ung, a 47-year-old hagwon director totally forgot to mention how well his new employee, 26 year-old Canadian Susan Jones, can use chosticks. This is the first time in over 50 such meetings with foreign instructors that Mr. Lee failed to praise a foreigner for being able to use chopsticks.

Asked for a comment, Mr. Lee was unsure as to why he forgot his standard foreigner icebreaker line. According to Mr. Lee, the first half hour of the lunch meeting was a little awkward, as he had a hard time not staring at Ms. Jones larger than average breasts. Then he went to the restroom and it hit him. "I totally forgot to praise her skills. And when I returned to the table, she had finished with the side dishes and only used her spoon for the rest of the meal." Mr. Lee plans to praise her skills on their next lunch meeting.

Seoul 3rd Graders Freak Out Japanese Pen Pals


A class of Seoul 3rd graders seriously freaked out their Tokyo Japanese pen pals when they mistakenly informed them on post cards in basic English that "Tokyo is Korea" Of course, they meant to remind the impressionable Japanese 8 year-olds that "Tokdo is Korea".

The children's teacher, 32 year-old Hisako Konbayashi, was as shocked as the children. Having never even heard about Tokdo, the only conclusion she could draw from the post cards was that the Korean children firmly believed that the ancient Japanese capital was in fact Korean.

Nobody Watched Local Road Crew


A local road repair crew working in Bucheon was shocked when absolutely noone bothered to watch them fix a pothole. The four-man crew worked for over three hours. They had an asphalt mixer and a small steamroller, yet nobody showed any interest whatsoever in what they were doing.

The foreman of the crew, 37 year-old Lee Myung-Gwan said it was the first time his crew worked without the encouragement of a curious audience of passers-by. "Usually we have like 5 to 15 people watching, mostly ajeossis. But today, nobody. I can't understand it. My crew was a little upset about it actually."

Area Mother Sabotages Son's Classmates

An Apkujung-area mother has been accused by fellow area mothers of sabotoging their children's academic performances. The unnamed mother has an 8 year-old son who reportedly was the conduit for various forms of academic sabotage.

The mothers of the sabotaged children claim the boy's mother employed various tactics in her effort to improve her child's class ranking. The most common method was giving her son 2 copies of homework, one correct and the other loaded with errors. Her son was trained to encourage his classmates to copy the bogus homework, while secretly turning in the correct answers.

Other mothers claimed they had suspected the mother for a long time. One woman claimed that , while playing in the local park, she had taught her daughter that 4 plus 4 was nine. Another claimed that she taught her son the APZ's.

Deadhead Teacher has Flashback in Seoul


A 36-year-old deadhead hagwon teacher, who asked to remain anonymous, recently had a vivid flashback combined with an intense dejavu the other day when she looked out her hotel room in Seoul. The teacher, a young female originally from Springfield, Illinois, upon looking out the window, saw a Starbucks squeezed between a Baskin&Robbins and a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

According to the woman, "it was after the 87 Alpine Valley Show....I think...anyhow, we were like totally entering into the munchies zone, so we stopped at this strip mall. And like, there were the exact three chain restaurants in this bumblef*ck Illinois suburb as in the middle of Seoul. Unreal.....totally tripped me out, brought back some wicked memories."

Just for the heck of it, the woman proceeded to have some coffee, a bagel, 5 donuts, and 3 pieces of original recipe and 2 crispy. However, she found them less delicious this time around.

Anger Management Center to Open

The city of Seoul plans to open an anger-management abatement center in Panpo-Dong Seoul in September of this year. The center will be exclusively built for Seoul bus drivers. The city issued a statement that highlighted the quiet suffering that Seoul's bus drivers have endured.

"For too many years, Seoul bus drivers have endured maddening traffic. They suffer from high stress, ulcers, and their wives are often kicked senseless while sleeping with their bus driving husbands. We feel we must act to help them become the world's most mellow, laid-back bus drivers."

Asked for comments on the plan, several passengers expressed doubt that the drivers will ever chill out, no matter how much anger management therapy they receive. "They are too far gone, let them stay grouchy. As long as they keep blowing through red lights, I'm a happy customer," one woman said.

Korea to be renamed Coreapia

The Republic of Korea announced its choice for a new English name Friday. The change in name was prompted by the fact that Korea, spelled with a K, fell after Japan in alphabetical order. A bill was introduced to the legislature last year to change the English spelling of the nation to Corea. However, several lawmakers felt that Corea did not capture the true spirit of the world's most wired country and that an entirely new name should be adopted.

Park Su-Jin, a four-year old star student at Kangnam's Goldenpia Kidpia Genuispia Acadapia had the idea that the country should be called Coreapia. The fact that her father is a congressmen from the governing Uri Party had nothing to do with the decision, officials declared.

Hair Gel Shortage Leads to Hoarding


The recent shortage of hair gel in South Korea has led to widespread reports of hoarding among consumers and local beauty products distributors. The shortage is reportedly being caused by the popularity of Korean male hairstyles in China. Throughout the peninsula, young men are trying to find ways to cope.

Baseball hats are becoming increasingly popular in Cholla, the worst-affected region. Around Busan, many young men are getting buzz cuts. In Seoul, numerous courier services have popped up that will distribute contraband hair gel obtained via overseas excursions.

Hyundai To Buy North Korea

Hyundai announced an ambitious expansionary effort yesterday. It has signed a contract with the Kim Jong-Il regime to purchase North Korea. Under the deal, all North Korean citizens will become employees of one of 1,415 Hyundai units, to be organized under a separate holding company, Hyundai North. Kim Jong-Il will become the "Dear Leader" of the Holding Company, which will have several luxurious corporate offices in such places as Geneva, the Cayman Isles, and Monaco.

The North Korean regime issued the following statement. "We are proud to join with our blood brothers at Hyundai and we will strive to build a corporate worker's paradise based on the ideals of self-sufficient corporate monopolistic enterprise. We will smash all of our competitors in the marketplace and with our blood and sweat will lead Hyundai North into an era of everlasting glorious profit-generating supreme wealth-creation under the steadfast leadership of our esteemed corporate visionary Kim Jong-Il who has written a business curriculum that those at Harvard Business School would die to get their hands on."

Local Church Switches to Purple Neon Cross


In a bid to expand his church, Reverend Lee Jil-Pyo, has ordered what is believed to be the first purple neon cross in South Korea. In his city of Mokpo, hundreds of red neon crosses punctuate the night landscape. Recently, a new fancy church opened with a white neon sign. This gave Rev. Lee an idea.

"I thought, why not a whole different color. I thought about blue, and then green, but then I was at a mokyoktang, and I saw this beautiful purple bucket. That's when I knew my cross would be purple." In addition, the cross will have the ability to shoot sparklers out of the top while spinning at one of five different speeds. The Reverend is sure this will help increase his flock.

Building Under Construction is also being Torn Down


A new 10-story block long commercial building going up in Sillim-Dong Seoul is simultaneously being torn down. The builing which lies on an east-west thouroughfare is being constructed by Daewoo Construction. It is being torn down by Hyundai Construction. Daewoo started on the eastern half of the building and are finishing up the western end of the building.

However, the building site was purchased by rival Hyundai which began demolishing the aforementioned eastern side of the building. Hyundai plans to construct a 10 story commercial building on the site. Daewoo officials hinted that they may repurchase the site and rereredevelop it.

Korea Evolving into Proto-Scottish Nation


Anthropologists at Seoul National University have released findings from a study that shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that Korea is rapidly evolving into a Scottish land. The widespread addiction to golf, the excessive wearing of plaid, the consumption of whiskey and the fact that the only book most Korean kids have ever read has Harry Potter's name somewhere in the title point to the ever-increasing Celtic nature of the locals.

Researchers predicted that in coming years, haggis restaurants will begin to pop up in alleys throughout Korean cities and curling will become as popular as Noraebangs (singing rooms). Soon we may see people changing their family names to McKim and McPark.

Four Year-Old Confused by Blonde Koreans

Pak Eun-Jung, a four-year-old from northern Seoul, is terribly confused by the large numbers of Koreans with dyed blonde and light brown hair. Like most little Koreans, Eun-Jung takes pleasure in pointing out all of the foreigners she encounters. Everytime she sees one, she screams, "way-guk-in-da!!" (Foreigner in Korean)

However, lately she's been screaming "Foreigner!!" to countless blonde and light brown haired Koreans. Her mother, at first found it amusing, but now she is increasingly embarassed by her daughter's racial confusion. She explained to Eun-Jung that they are Koreans with different hair colors. Eun-Jung still doesn't understand this concept and insists that bleach blonde Koreans are "foreigners".

Cleaning Lady Arrested for Excessive Voyeurism


A 57 year-old bathroom cleaning ajumma, Ms. Choi Sun-Hee, was arrested yesterday for what police described as "excessive voyeurism". Ms. Choi, a 10-year-employee working at Samsung's corporate offices, was known among male employees as the "cackling castrator". She earned her name for her tendency to lean on her mop at the end of bathroom urinals and laughng loudly at the urinators.

"To be honest, I'm glad they finally fired her," said Kim Dae-Sik, a 35 year-old Samsung employee. "It seemed like at least once a week, she'd be laughing at me while I relieved myself. It made me feel inadequate as a man." Mrs. Choi refused to comment to reporters.

Peninsula Protest-Free for almost 20 minutes


In a blow to the recently annoounced protest tourism initiative, the Korea National Police Agency reported today that last night (early AM) from 3:11-3:28 AM, there were no reported protests being conducted in The Republic of Korea. This would mark the first time since a 7-minute protest hiatus occurred in late November, 1994.

A police spokesperson said the break in protests caught police totally off guard. They had their usual 15,000 riot police scattered around metro Seoul, with rumors that a PC Bang Owners Union was planning to call a surprise early morning strike in Yongsan. However, the strike turned out to be an internet rumor.

"Protest Tourism" Promotion Unveiled

The KNTO, Korean National Tourist Organization announced an innovative new tourism development initiative on Tuesday. The new program, tentatively named "Dynamic Demos Korea!!!" invites tourists to participate in a wide selection of real life Korean protests. The agency issued the following statement,

"In an incresingly competitive international tourist market, we feel Korea must distinguish itself by playing to its core competencies, its international trademark, huge fist-pumping shouting demonstrations."

Every Monday, tourists will be able to peruse a list of that week's 300 or so demonstrations. After choosing one, a taxi will pick them up at their hotel, and will take them to the protest. They will also be given a red-vest, a bandana, and a page of lyrics so that they can join in the festivities. Protest leaders have agreed to invite the tourist protesters onstage, where they will be encouraged to scream as loudly as they can. Following the protest, they will join fellow protesters for some sidewalk soju and kimbap.

28 year-old Receives Record 5th Hymen-Reconstruction


Kim "Jane-Doe", a 28 year-old heiress of one of Korea's leading chaebol families, reportedly underwent her fifth hymen-reconstruction last night at an exclusive and secretive plastic surgery clinic on the resort island of Jeju. If true, this would be a world record.

Ms. Kim underwent the surgery in order to re-virginize herself in order to get married again, as a virgin. The surgeon, speaking anonymously, reportedly said that, "I'm not sure why she cares. Our hymen-business is terribly down on the heyday of the 1990's, when I recreated over 50 virgins every day. Now I'm lucky if I stitch up even 3 or 4. I'm studying liposuction these days," he added.

Noh Government Announces De-Kimming Plan

Following the government's recently announced plans to relocate over 100 government ministries, a new plan to diversify the nation's surnames was announced Wednesday. A Blue House spokesperson stated that the plan was designed, "In order to diversify our country. We need more names."

The government will notify all Kims and Lees what their new names will be via e-mail, following a complicated computer-generated lottery system. 10 new family names have been approved so far; Einstein, Harvard, Diamond, Chairman, Hilton, Stanford, Oxford, King, Genius, and Edison.