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Sunday, 16 December 2007
Sunday, 9 December 2007
Duck Restaurant Owners Pressure Government
The Duck Restauranteurs Association of Korea is busy lobbying government officials to create a "Duck Enjoyment Zone" along the reborn Cheongyecheon River. Apparently, the stream, rebuilt after decades being buried under concrete, has atracted hundreds of waterfowl to its newly pristine banks.
The group, named "UriOriLoveLove" (ourduckslovelove), claims that the stream would be a perfect location for a new specialized food zone. According to 35 year-old Mr. Lee Bum-Joon, owner of "Donald's Luck" in Incheon.."We, the UriOriLoveLove organization, feel that the government must allow us to open numerous Duck-restaurants along the stream. Where else can young Koreans get the true Korean experience of chewing on delicious duck meat, while simultaneously observing ducks in real life?"
Some middle-school aged children of the protestors were heard to be chanting "fuckducks..fuckducks...fuckducks" until they were quieted by a 23 year-old Canadian female English teacher who lives in the area.
"I have no problem with opening some duck restaurants along the stream. After all, Koreans really know how to cook up a duck. It's just that I think the kids shouldn't practice their rhyming skills in such a politically-charged environment," explained Jane Harrison of Kamloops, British Columbia.
Thursday, 15 June 2006
National Flower Pot Chosen
The Korean Horticultural Association announced the results of a poll that asked the public to choose a "national flower pot" in order to accompany Korea's national flower, the rose of Sharon (mugunghwa). The association spokesperson, 47 year-old Mr. Hwang Ki-Eup, announced that the winner was a large blue plastic pot. "Every country has a national flower, but we are the only country with a national flower pot.
The blue plastic pot narrowly beat out the second-place contender, the rectangular styrofoam container. Others that garnered numerous votes were the red plastic pot, wooden crates with plastic lining pot, and the upside down bottom-cut-off plastic water bottle pot.
Dry Cleaners Eager for Coming Pink Wave
The Korean Dry Cleaners Association has organized its members to prepare for the upcoming market opportunity that the World Cup will create. Spokesman Hong, Suk-Moon, 47, speaking to reporters at his office in Dongdaemoon stated, "the flood of cheap Chinese-made red dye shirts will lead to millions of pink t-shirts, underwear,and socks. Our members will be prepared to bleach the Red Devil out of these once-ivory white undergarments."
Many Korean dry cleaners are preparing marketing initiatives encouraging Korean customers to alternately "Get the Red Devil Out of Your Undies!" and to "Get That Devil Blood Out of Your White Garments!!"
"I just pray that millions of Koreans throw their Be The Reds t-shirts into their washing machines, with the hot water turned on......that's what I hope will happen......it's my true wish.....my dream."
Wednesday, 14 June 2006
"Be The Maroons" T-Shirt Not Selling Well
Local T-Shirt distributor, Lee Ki-Hoon, is very worried these days. A year ago, his company, TeeeeeeShirtz, decided to stake its entire future on the 2006 Germany World Cup.
Hoping to dovetail off of the explosive success of the millions of "Be the Reds" T-shirts sold in Korea in 2002, a staffmember at TeeeeeeShirtz thought it might be good to corner the market in one of the unclaimed "red" colors, maroon.
The company contracted with an unnamed Kaesong clothing manufacturer to produce 100,000 maroon colored "Be the Maroons" t-shirts. So far, they have sold only 126 shirts, mostly outside of an optometrist's office in Yangjae-Dong. The optometrist is widely known for specializing in eyelid surgery for those suffering from color-blindness.
Thursday, 25 May 2006
Relaunch of the Yangpa
Just wanted to let you all know that the yangpa will soon be relaunched. It will be better than ever, with photos, better layout and more!
Stay tuned. A link should be up and running to the new Yangpa within a few weeks.
Hopefully in time for the World Cup, which will certainly create tons of Yangpa-worthy news stories!
Friday, 9 December 2005
Young Koreans Totally Unaware of North Korea's Existence
A recent survey conducted by the sociology department at Yonsei University showed that not only are many younger South Koreans not worried about North Korea, but that a majority don't even realize that it exists.
68% of South Koreans under the age of 20 were unaware that a country called North Korea even existed.
Ajumma Convicted of Sabotage
An unnamed 54-year-old Chongno ajumma has been arrested on charges that she repeatedly sobotaged other ajumma's dok-pok-i stands. According to the police, the woman was suspected of pouring turpentine ,gasoline and other unsavory liquids into the cooking pans of competing ajummas.
Mra. Lee, 49, spoke to this reporter about the woman's repeated efforts to sabotage her dok-pok-i. "At first it was a game. When I wasn't looking, she would pour a pitcher of water into my perfect rice cakes. I would hit her, fake a little laughter and return the trick. But then she started with the gasoline. She couldn't stand that the kids preferred my tok-pok-i to hers. She just burned with jealousy."
Police became suspicious after numerous patrons complained of severe stomach ailments following their cheap eats.
Saturday, 12 November 2005
Local Printing Company Celebrates New Contract
Topic: North Korea
Sam-Jung Photo Finishing, a small venture company based in Kuro, southern Seoul, was awarded the most coveted photo/printing contract in Asia yesterday. The company's CEO, Mr. Hong Chul-won was, in his own words, "overjoyed", "ecstatic", and "wearee dwunk" after Pyongyang announced his company to be the winner in the race to bring out the next generation of Kim Jong-Il memorbilia (not to be confused with the flower, Kim Jong-Ilia).
The contract worth up to 250 million US, or roughly 2% of the North Korean economy, authorizes Sam-Jung as the sole provider of Kim Jong-Il posters, stickers, buttons, lapel pins, golf club covers, stationary, rice cookers and another 243 officially sanctioned products. Asked how his company, a start-up with absolutely no experience or printing facilities managed to secure the coveted contract, Mr. Hong was a bit loose with words after several poktangju (boilermakers). "Let's just say I've flown to Geneva more times than a Swiss Air stewardess. But it was well worth all the trips."
Thursday, 1 September 2005
The Yangpa will be on vaction until October 10th. If you want to be infromed of our return, or if you have any hot news items you want to share, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Have a great September!
Monday, 29 August 2005
Make-Up Related Neck Injuries Increasing
Korean hospitals and chiropractors report that an increasing number of Korean women are suffereing from chronic neck pain. The neck pain is most often a result of the heavy amounts of foundation, lip-liner, blush, eye shadow and mascara that thickly coat many Korean women's faces.
A 46-year-old woman, requesting that her name not be disclosed, said that she noticed a problem two months after she began using a thick foundation make-up. "At work, I would feel my face begin to lean forward and I would have to snap my neck back like we used to do in high school when we started to fall asleep."
Doctors added that the condition is exacerbated by the hours spent applying make-up. "When a women spends 35 minutes every morning on the subway with her neck and chin extended in front of her compact, it's not surprising there will be skelto-m,uscular ramificatins," said a doctor at Yonsei University Hospital.
Sunday, 28 August 2005
Korea Looking for Gold at the Goofball Olympics
Korea is hoping to win numerous golds at the innagural "Goofball Games", to be held next month at various venues in Newfoundland, Canada (aka 'Goofball Central') Following their disappointing results at the 2004 Athens Olympics, Korean sports officials decided to focus on the upcoming Goofball Games, where they believe they can score well, possibly even in the top 3 countries, along with host Canada, and goofy Latvia.
According to the team spokeperson, Korea has good chances for gold in several disciplines. Korean Goofballs are favorites to take gold in the 'wacky exercising' and 'public barfing' disciplines. Other events that hold promise are the 'emotional face-making' and 'extreme gaming addiction' categories.
Regardless of the results, Coach Lee "Hid-Dink", is confident that his team will do well and will prove to the world that it can out-goofify even the goofiest of countries.
Friday, 26 August 2005
Kentucky Foreign-Exchange Student Feels 'At Home'
Leslie Evans, a 17 year-old high school foreign exchange student living with a family near Mokpo, South Cholla province, feels surprisingly at home living with her host family. Ms. Evans, hailing from Squirrel Holllow, Kentucky, was worried that she would be overwhelmed by culture shock when she decided to join the exchange program.
"I'm not sure what I expected to find, but I certainly wasn't expecting it to remind me so much of Squirrel Hollow". Among the things that surprised her was the appearance of her small neighborhood tucked into a mountain valley. In addition, she was amazed that her host family had almost as much crap sitting in their front yard as most of her neighbors back home.
"My host family has tons of junk stacked all around the house. Old machine tools, a rusting bicycle, and a broken-down refrigerator, just like my Uncle over in Spring Hollow." Ms. Evans also claimed that the dogs tied up living in wooden crates looked just like the guard dogs back home. "But, of course, we don't eat them like the Koreans do, I mean they must think they are just like squirrels or something."
Wednesday, 24 August 2005
Local Inventor Creates New High-Heel Hiking Shoes
Unemployed 29 year-old fashion designer Lee Su-Hee unveiled her latest creation yesterday. The three-inch high, rhinestone-studded "HikeHeels" are, claims Lee, the first mountain-climbing pair of high heels ever invented.
Lee got the idea for the heels after climbing a nearby mountain and noticing numerous women struggling to make it up the rocky paths in traditional high heels. Lee's creation succeeds where others have failed due to the clear vinyl that completely wraps around the feet. In addition, an invisible clear plastic SeoulSoultm undergirds the entire contraption.
"Korean women will now be free to climb any mountain while not compromising their fashion beliefs." Lee added that the shoes were made entirely with korean technology in a sweatshop in Cambodia.
Thursday, 18 August 2005
Yeosu City Introduces Kobuksan Chigae
The southern Cholla port city of Yeosu, seriously depressed after losing out to Shanghai in the rights to host the 2010 World Expo, has introduced a brand new soup that plans to capture the city's historical role in Korea. In the late 16th Century, Admiral Yi Sun-Sin led the famous Kobuksan (Turtle Ship) into battle and helped defeat the hated Japanese bastards.
Mr. Kim Chong-Hyon, a seafood restaurant owner, claims to have been the first to have thought of Kobuksan Chigae (Turtle Stew). In front of his restaurant, named TurtleYum!!!, a large aquarium/terrarium is fillled with sand and water. Dozens of turtles, each sporting a small sail and Korean flag attached to their back, waits to be chosen by a customer.
When a customer chooses a certain turtle, it is quickly chopped up and transformed into spicy turtle stew. If the customers have children, Mr. Kim says the restaurant will turn the turtle shells into small "KobuksanCaps", for a small charge of course.
Wednesday, 17 August 2005
Two Boys Pop Doumis Balloons
Two mischievous 11-year-old boys really pissed off two dancing doumi/models yesterday in Namyoung-dong, Seoul. The doumis were hired by a health club and were chosen for their perfect physiques. The two boys, fond of both mischief and doumis, hatched a plan to begin popping the balloons that formed an arch over the dancing girls.
At first the doumis laughed and gently scolded the boys, but after about a dozen balloons were popped, the arch began to droop dangerously close to their heads. One of the doumis suggested chasing down the culprits, but the other reminded her that theire contract stipulated that they must continue dancing and screaming into the microphone or they would forfeit their service fees.
Eventually, resigned to their fate, the doumis released the balloons and continued to entertain the crowd of ajeossis that had no intention whatsoever of joining the health club.
Saturday, 6 August 2005
Local Ajumma Being Treated for Premature Insinuation
An unnamed 58 year-old ajumma, Ms. "Hong" is being treated for a rare behavioral condition named premature insinuation. This condition usually found among children at amusement parks causes its sufferers to leap ahead in lines or crowds in order to be the first one on a ride. For this ajumma, it most often manifests itself on subway platforms and bus stops.
The first symptom of the condition is excessive fidgeting and pacing during the waiting or pre-boarding period. On the subway this is followed by attempted entry prior to the subway doors opening. Similar behavior can occur at elevator doors. At bus stops, Ms. Hong is known to run into busy traffic upon seeing her bus up to 70 meters away, with little or no concern for her own personal safety.
Her family was so worried that she might be run over or hurt herself while crashing into subway doors that they forced her into treatment. Ms. Hong is undergoing patience development therapy along with yoga and breathing exercises that will hopefully help her board buses and trains with more dignity.
Thursday, 4 August 2005
Teacher's False Love of Posingtang Annoys Co-workers
34 year-old business English instructor Bruce Morgan, originally from Saskatoon, never misses a chance to tell Korean businessmen how much he loves posintang, or dog soup. His co-workers who often teach the smae students are getting sick of it.
"Just yesterday, Mr. Moon kept bugging me,'why not eat dog stew, like Mr. Bruce? He eats all the time'. The problem is, he doesn't, he lies about his affection for puppy soup. He wouldn't touch the stuff any more than a radical vegetarian PETA terrorist would. I guess he thinks it makes Koreans like him more. It makes all of us like him less."
On numerous occasions, businessmen have asked Bruce to join them for some posintang, and everytime he answers along the lines of, "Oh, I just had posintang yesterday, maybe next time." One time while teaching with his classroom door open, he was overheard waxing nostalgic about a fantasy bowl of soup he had in a small fishing village on the Cholla coast. His co-worker recalled him regaling his students of "the soup that made his grandma's chicken noodle soup seem terrible by comparison."
Wednesday, 3 August 2005
Uni Instructor "Overwhelmed" by Starbucks Options
An unnamed 32-year-old Australian uni instructor has lately been overcome by the number of Starbucks options latlely in Seoul. She has taught in the Sinchon area of Seoul for nearly ten years and was the first in line at the Ehwa Starbucks 'grand open' years ago. She grew accustomed to her local Starbucks until she was drawn to other outlets.
Eventually she succumbed and went to the now-shuttered Myeong-Dong branch and secretly reveled in riding an elevator in a Starbucks. Then she, in her own words, got addicted to seeking out new pristine Starbucks. So far she's been to "severel dozen" and feels she has developed a bit of a compulsive behavior. She speaks wistfully of the "old days" when she had a monogamous relationship with her very own Starbucks, before she started 'slurping around'.
Tuesday, 2 August 2005
Genticists Identify "Troll Gene"
Genetic researchers at SNU announced yesterday that they had discovered a gene that is common among the Korean population. Roughly 25% of Koreans carry this gene, tentatively named S.U.B. (Shrek Under Bridge). Those who have the gene feel an inexplicable need to remain in shade, preferable shade generated by large concrete or rock structures.
Vestiges of this behavior can be seen in the huge number of Koreans who enjoy gathering under bridges throughout the warmer months. Interestingly, some researchers have pointed out that these "Bridge Sitters" seem to remain under the bridges even after the sun has set. One scientist hypothesized that that was largely due to the sedentary effects of a daylong soju party.
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